Vintage Toronto Ads: Short Cuts 7

A Victory Shower

Originally published on Torontoist on August 23, 2011.

Vintage Ad #1,617: Victory Means a New Bathroom!

Mayfair, March 1944.

We suspect a shining new bathroom with a corner shower was not high on the daydream list for those on the battle lines in World War II—getting home in one piece might have been slightly higher. Still, executives at heating and plumbing equipment manufacturers could sit back and soak up war effort projects until the postwar consumer boom hit. Then they would find customers like this fellow, who was relieved to clean himself with more than just the canteen-sized doses of water he was forced to use in the field. A private shower to him would truly be a “fruit of freedom.”

After several mergers, Standard Sanitary dropped the icky part of its name and, as American Standard, continues to provide products to make anyone’s bathroom dreams come true.

Have You Tasted This Sensational Soup?

Originally published on Torontoist on October 11, 2011.

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Was it the mounting effects of wartime rationing making this man so excited about Lipton’s Noodle Soup Mix, or the high sodium content of the broth? Comforting as a bowl of reconstituted dry soup mix can be, calling it “rich and natural” is a stretch. But to wartime consumers, the convenience, economy, and versatility were irresistible qualities.

While present-day Knorr Lipton soup no longer touts tasty chicken fat among its enticing attributes, two predictions came true: children enjoy the seemingly bottomless supply of noodles, and the pouches of dehydrated goodies have remained a standby in many Toronto homes for the past 70 years.

Miming Increased Productivity

Originally published on Torontoist on September 13, 2011.

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Financial Post Magazine, March 1980.

Hinted at but not made explicit in today’s ad: besides promoting time-saving business forms, this advertisement for the Moore product-ivity kit inferred that word processing speeds would improve if staff donned white makeup and communicated solely through miming during working hours. While there was a risk that an interested firm would lose employees due to their inability to keep their mouths shut, allergic reactions to makeup, or fear of mimes, a manager thinking outside the box might have taken the risk. Less idle chit-chat equals profit!

Using a mime spokesman might not have been out of line for Moore Business Forms, given that founder Samuel J. Moore was the production manager for the satirical weekly Grip before entering the stationery field in 1882. You might have to mimic the outline of a building where the company’s former office was in Mount Dennis: Google Maps shows Goddard Avenue as a blocked-off road awaiting residential redevelopment.

Master the Art of Pleasing Each Other

Originally published on Torontoist on October 18, 2011.

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Maclean’s, April 3, 1978.

After moving into the zigzagging towers of The Masters zipped into the Markland Wood neighbourhood, this couple spent more time together enjoying nightly swims, sipping fine wines despite the stares of the medieval citizens depicted on their wallpaper, practicing their golf swings, and spending quality time in the sauna. They also took advantage of the leisure facilities to further their individual interests: he spent hours in the darkroom developing photos of amateur models who succumbed to the charms of his red neck scarf, while she unwound in the pottery room by recreating in clay pleasant and disturbing visions from her dreams of what her lover was up to.

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Vintage Toronto Ads: Short Cuts 6

Nickel-Chroming a Modern Life

Originally published on Torontoist on February 8, 2011.

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Maclean’s, March 26, 1960.

When the photo shoot was over, the model was surprised to learn that she could keep the fine array of kitchen appliances that, thanks to the marvel of nickel-plating, would indeed last for years to come, even if they actually were scale models. For a few years, she retained then in mobile form, which she occasionally hung as a conversation piece during dinner parties. By the late 1960s, when she felt her daughter was old enough to appreciate the pieces without destroying them, our one-time model carefully removed the strings and allowed the girl to play with them as her first kitchen set. Years later, both women were to appear with the set on the Antiques Roadshow, but their segment was left on the cutting room floor when a seventeenth century thimble found in a backyard flower bed was deemed more interesting.

Besides Inco, other occupants of the southeast corner of Yonge and Colborne streets circa 1960 were several financial firms (including Cradock Securities and Price Waterhouse) and ticket offices for Canadian National Railways and Lufthansa.

Ammoniate Your Smile!

Originally published on Torontoist on March 8, 2011.

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Reader’s Digest, April 1949.

With users as pure as this mother/daughter combo, wouldn’t you trust the marketing claims of Amm-i-dent?

Adding ammonium to tooth-cleaning agents was a marketing craze at the time the above ad appeared. An article in the July 30, 1949, edition of Billboard magazine noted that the potential advertising revenue derived from clients like Amm-i-dent and Colgate made radio network and station executives “virtually froth at the mouth.” Amm-i-dent’s American parent Block Drug (maker of such fine products as Polident) had secured a lucrative sponsorship of The Burns and Allen Show. However, a University of Illinois study into ammonium-enhanced dental products showed that their use only reduced the incidence of tooth decay by 10%. As the thrill of ammonium faded, toothpaste makers soon moved on to other marketing gimmicks like chlorophyll.

Though nobody at 172 John Street is marketing tooth powder any longer, other products are getting polished there—thanks to the john st. advertising firm.

Additional information from the October 1953 issue of Changing Times.

Hypnotized by the Power of Super Fitness!

Originally published on Torontoist on May 3, 2011.

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Toronto Sun, March 21, 1983.

The man in this Super Fitness ad is:

1) Hypnotized by the pattern worn by the model to his left. As he is transfixed by the diamonds on her chest, she gently murmurs, “You will sign your friends up. You will sign your friends up…”

2) Stunned by the extreme value of the advertised offer. He then curses that he just paid three times as much to join the gym next to his office.

3) Shocked that Super Fitness spokeswoman Christine Steiger does not appear in this ad. Maybe she was off being cloned, as she was for a lesser offer three years later.

4) Awed by the rack dangling over him.

5) Bewildered by the imprecise instructions provided by the cameraman. Trying to save the shoot, he draws on his Method training and imagines how a fellow in his situation would naturally react.

Where Did Leonardo Learn About Art?

Originally published on Torontoist on July 5, 2011.

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Ontario Association of Art Galleries Magazine, Winter 1978-1979.

We’re surprised historians have never jumped on the amazing fact uncovered in today’s ad: Leonardo da Vinci learned about the fine arts not from observing his fellow Italian Renaissance craftsmen but by crossing the ocean to discover the riches (and coffee talks) of the Mississauga Library System. Sadly, all other references about Leonardo’s time in the court of Grand Duchess Hazel of Streetsville are lost to the mists of time.

Though libraries existed in Streetsville as early as the mid-1850s, the modern Mississauga Library System began when citizens of what was then known as Toronto Township voted in favour of creating a local public library organization in 1956. When today’s ad appeared, the main branch was located at 110 Dundas Street West, where it remained until the current Central Library on Burnhamthorpe Road was opened in 1991.

Vintage Toronto Ads: Less Sugar Tonight in My Coffee

Originally published on Torontoist on March 1, 2011.

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Toronto Star, February 5, 1942.

As World War II reached its midpoint in 1942, Canadian consumers increasingly felt the effects of the conflict. Partly out of a desire to free up shipping vessels and materials used in packaging to aid the Allied war effort, food rationing gradually went into effect over the course of the year. When it was announced that the sugar supply would be curtailed, a sense of panic quickly ensued.

Sugar rationing went into effect on an honour-system basis on January 26. When word reached edgy Toronto consumers that they would only be allowed three-quarters of a pound of the sweet stuff per person per week, they rushed to their neighbourhood department stores and grocers. Some of those stocking up worried the new regulations would prevent them from sending sugar to friends and relatives affected by the war in Europe, but government officials quickly reassured them that as long as the quantity exported was taken out of their ration, the practice could continue. Other people were just plain greedy, as demonstrated by four local hoarders caught stowing away up to sixty pounds of sugar. Though they weren’t charged (likely due to their sheepish attempts to return the sugar once investigators were hot on their trail), it was legislated that those who tried to skirt their ration could faces fines of up to $5,000 and two years in jail.

Retailers like Loblaws, who were given little guidance in how to combat hoarders, held emergency staff meetings. Some tied the amount of sugar one could purchase to the final tally on the grocery bill. Others printed signs with patriotic messages stressing how hoarding hurt the war effort and constituted an offence against decency. Customers looking for alternatives found plenty of advice in newspapers from dieticians who embraced the reduced circulation of sugar. The recommended alternative was honey, and beekeepers across the province promised a bumper crop for 1942. Another alternative would receive less favourable press today: corn syrup, which had been used as a substitute in sodas during World War I. One expert told the Star that “it is not as sweet as sugar but otherwise its presence will not be noticed in soft drinks.”

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Toronto Star, January 27, 1942.

Rationing also brought out the stand-up comedian in editorial page writers. One knee-slapper from the Star: “Canadians are restricted to three-quarters of a pound of sugar as a war ration, but young men will be relieved to know that there is no restriction upon 115 pounds of honey.”

Tighter restrictions on the purchase of sugar went into effect when coffee and tea were subjected to rations on May 26. The sugar allocation was decreased to half a pound per person per week. Restrictions were also placed on how restaurants could serve sugar—containers and packets could not be placed on tables, while those wanting to sweeten their favourite hot beverage were limited to three lumps. Despite a vow to remain on the honour system, ration books were soon in the works, and when the first ration books were mailed out later that summer, sugar was among the items for which coupons were issued.

Those with a sweet tooth had to wait two years after the war was over before their favourite ingredient was available without restriction. Sugar was one of the final food products to be removed from rationing when the federal government decided in November 1947 that supply restrictions were no longer necessary.

Additional material from the January 26, 1942, January 27, 1942, and May 26, 1942 editions of the Toronto Star.

Ghosts of Christmases Past

Originally published as a “Historicist” column on Torontoist on December 25, 2010.

This holiday edition was, as the introduction noted, “a sampling of a century’s worth of Christmas advertisements, illustrations, pictures, and stories. Light up a Yule log (real or video), sit back and enjoy.”

For this edition, I’m not using the original gallery format, deleting some archival photos, and adding in some material that didn’t make the final cut. I am also merging in ads originally featured in a post for the 2014 holiday season.

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Cover of the special Christmas edition of the Globe, 1885. Library and Archives Canada.

In its Christmas Eve 1885 edition, the Globe reprinted the “Story of the Mistletoe” from Youth’s Companion. While much of the piece drones on about mistletoe’s role in Norse mythology and its use by Druids, it includes these nuggets about its contemporary sources and uses, in as non-romantic terms as possible.

It used to be brought over by friendly foreign steamers, but is now found in Virginia and in most of the Southern States, and is largely used for holiday decoration…The American mistletoe is not the genuine English article, although it strongly resembles it. The botanists have given it a new name, phoradendron, which signifies “a thief of a tree.” It is, however, a true parasite. The mistletoe is now so seldom found growing on the oak that when it is found there it is a great curiousity. It frequents apple trees chiefly, and is propagated by birds wiping their bills on the boughs and thus leaving some of the viscid pulp and seed, and if the bark happens to be cracked there it takes root.

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Cover of the special Christmas edition of the Globe, 1889. Library and Archives Canada.

Little does the turkey suspect that the young lady who visited each day with yummy treats was secretly fattening him up for her family’s holiday feast. Speaking of turkeys…

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The Globe, December 20, 1890. 

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The News, December 22, 1894.

If you couldn’t slaughter a turkey, you could always check out a “slaughter sale” of fine reading material.

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The News, December 22, 1885.

The News also provided “practical hints for the benefit of West End residents and others” as it named off a variety of Queen West merchants. Among the highlights: a free set of tableware with every purchase of a pound of tea at Laut Brothers (420 Queen West); a stock of nuts “not surpassed in the city” at Mara & Co. (280 Queen West); bargains among the jewellery and other goods damaged in a recent fire at J.I.S. Anderson (294 Queen West); and “beautiful villa sites overlooking High Park and Humber Bay” free of city taxes that went for one dollar per square foot at the real estate office of R. McDonnell at Queen and Gladstone.

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Cover of the special Christmas edition of the Mail and Empire, 1897. Library and Archives Canada.

Underneath the colour cover of this supplement was a collection of seasonal art, stories, and other diversions for the entire family.

20141224xmascardsThe Mail, June 27, 1881.

Even back in the Victorian Age, saving a buck on Christmas supplies like cards was as important as aesthetic considerations.

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The Empire, December 22, 1894.

An excerpt from the Empire’s Christmas Day 1894 editorial: “To the mind of the child this is the glorious season of the year when there is no cloud in the sky to dim the sunlight of pleasure in which infantile natures rejoice; but to the mature it is a period, apart from its spiritual associations, the delights of which are tempered by gravity and the joys of which are tinged with sadness, for as men grow memories gather. Looking back upon the Christmases of the past, who is there among us who does not feel that change and decay have wrought their mysteries as the years rolled on, taking here a friend and there a companion and leaving gaps in the ranks more significant and impressive at this time than at any other, so that even at the feast, and where rejoicing reigns, the heart stops for a moment that sorrow may supply its chastening touch.”

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Front page, the News, December 24, 1910. 

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Illustration by Lou Skuce, Toronto World, December 25, 1910.

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Toronto World, December 22, 1912.

From an editorial on holiday charity: “People are giving freely now, who keep their hearts and pockets closd ’till next Christmas. Why? There is need always as at Christmas time. It is simply that we are moved now by an unusual sentiment–an impulse to kindliness.”

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The News, December 23, 1914.

The Copland Brewing Company’s Toronto roots stretched back to 1830, when William Copland opened a brewery along Yonge Street shortly after arriving in Upper Canada. By 1914, most of its products were brewed at its plant on King Street between Ontario and Berkeley Streets. Bought by Labatt in 1946, the site was later occupied by the Toronto Sun.

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Toronto World, December 19, 1915.

An editorial note from the second holiday season of the First World War:

Above all, the call of Christmas is ‘Peace on Earth.’ In the present grievous crisis of the world there is significance in this call beyond that of any crisis mankind ever before was called to read. That war has darkened Christmas for so much of the world may well seem, at the moment, the crushing condemnation of all such conflicts.”

 

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Toronto World, December 19, 1915.

As the war staggered on over in Europe, World cartoonist Lou Skuce reminded readers of where the battlelines were usually located on Christmas Eve.

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Toronto World, December 25, 1916.

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Toronto World, December 25, 1918.

A pair of First World War-themed ads from Eaton’s.

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Mail and Empire, December 25, 1920.

With the shadow of the First World War fading, Eaton’s ad held the promise that life was returning to normal for its customers, and that Christmas was a time to rejoice in youthful spirit.

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The Telegram, December 19, 1923.

Given that the establishment of Sick Kids was a pet project of Telegram founder John Ross Robertson, the paper took every opportunity during the holiday season to solicit donations for the hospital. Heart-tugging stories to invoke contributions were printed in the Tely around Christmas, bearing headlines like “CHILD SWALLOWS LYE THROAT BADLY BURNED” (December 19, 1923).

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The Telegram, December 23, 1933.

A sample of a Sick Kids ad from a decade later.

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Toronto Star, December 24, 1924.

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Mail and Empire, December 25, 1930.

Simpsons centred its 1930 holiday ad around verse from poet Bliss Carman, who died the previous year.

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Mail and Empire, December 20, 1933.

Despite the effects of the Great Depression, the Mail and Empire urged its readers to light up the city at Christmas time. We doubt any displays inspired by this contest were accompanied by a menagerie of front yard inflatables.

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Mail and Empire, December 22, 1933. 

Years before teaching the world to sing, or employing polar bears as pitchmen, Coca-Cola offered an economical solution for holiday entertaining during the Great Depression.

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The Telegram, December 23, 1933.

 

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Weston Times and Guide, December 14, 1934.

The 1930s equivalent of the slightly naughty gift ads found decades later in alt-weeklies like eye and Now?

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Toronto Star, December 23, 1939.

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Weston Times and Guide, December 13, 1945.

Relieved that the Second World War no longer interfered in his annual delivery run, Santa relaxed a little in 1945. He found time to stop in Weston for a luscious roast bird. Note the slightly scary look in his eye, as if he’s daring the artist to take the plate away from him.

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The Telegram, December 23, 1950.

The poet of Toronto’s sports pages, Telegram columnist Ted Reeve, penned an ode to holiday shopping based on one of the big musical hits of that season, “The Thing“:

 

As we were walking north on Church, no Xmas shopping done,
We went into McTamney’s to maybe buy a gun.
The clerk behind the counter there let out a mighty roar:
“Get out of here with that shopping list and don’t come back no more.”

We hadn’t done our Christmas cards when reaching work today,
We asked the office girls if they would get them on the way.
They turned on us with a vicious yell as fierce as any blow:
“Get out of here with that shopping list and you know where to go.”

We’ll get to Kresge’s Christmas Eve and in a final dash
We’ll try to get the presents bought unless they want some cash.
The chances are the manager, while tearing up our cheque,
Will heave us out with our boom-boom-boom and land us on our neck

There’s only three more days to go, we haven’t bought the tree,
It is a most perplexing week, we think you’ll all agree.
And if we don’t get anything done we’ll just let Xmas pass
And take that terrible boom-boom-boom and hide it in the grass.

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Don Mills Mirror, December 8, 1960.

Either the caption writer was ordered to devise a happy sentence without seeing this picture, or somebody decided to play a cruel joke at the expense of the exhausted Santa at the Don Mills Centre. His arrival by helicopter in late November prompted ten thousand people to greet him at the shopping centre, doubling the number that greeted him the year before. Santa’s trip was delayed ten minutes due to fog and low-flying planes landing at Malton airport. Once the chopper landed, Santa hitched a ride on a fire engine, which took him to his seat at the centre of the complex. With over four-and-a-half thousand kids mounting his lap that day, no wonder Santa looks like he can’t wait to escape back to the comfort of the North Pole.

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Weston Times and Guide, December 22, 1960.

Wonder how many diners around that time hummed Marty Robbins’s 1959 smash hit about the west Texas town while eating their delicious young turkey dinner.

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Maclean’s, December 9, 1961.

From 1912 to 2006, Kodak’s Canadian division called Mount Dennis home. Its large campus near Eglinton Avenue West and Black Creek Drive is being redeveloped and will service the Eglinton Crosstown LRT. Whenever that line begins service, perhaps someone who received a Kodak camera under the tree will be inspired by the site’s history to haul it out and shoot the opening ceremony.

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Weston Times-Advertiser, December 22, 1964.

Politicians love sending seasonal greetings, and Alan Eagleson was no exception. Before he achieved fame in the hockey world for forming the National Hockey League Players’ Association and infamy for his criminal actions regarding pensions and disability claims, Eagleson sat as a Progressive Conservative MPP for Lakeshore from 1963 to 1967.

 

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Willowdale Enterprise, December 8, 1965.

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Willowdale Enterprise, December 22, 1965.

Santa and the reindeer might have needed a map when a widened Highway 401 between Highway 400 and Hogg’s Hollow fully opened to to traffic on December 16, 1965. The expansion of the freeway from four to twelve lanes included the introduction of the express/collector lane system.

 

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Toronto Life, December 1966.

Toronto Life celebrated its first Christmas by asking Gordon Sinclair to describe how he really felt about the holiday? His verdict? Despite not being a fan of organized religion, Sinclair felt it was “the best and friendliest of all family celebrations when we are with kinfolk; the ones of our blood who accept us for what we are. Not what we should be, or could be, but what we are.” He also described Christmas was the worst day of the year to be alone, a situation he experienced while reporting from Shanghai in 1938. That day he wandered through clubs and pubs “looking for someone to feel sorry with” but found only a black eye (a present given by an American when Sinclair declined to have a drink with him) and a crying fit (after returning to his hotel to find “wish you were here” cablegrams from Canada). There was only one thing he would have changed about Christmas: “that stupid abbreviation, Xmas.”

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The Enterprise, December 20, 1967.

An excerpt from the Enterprise‘s December 13, 1967 holiday editorial, which criticized the trend toward war toys like G.I. Joe, which kids might have asked Miss Suzie for as they received a candy cane.

War toys are not going to make a killer out of a child, but they do instil an acceptance which lasts into adult life. In other words, war toys are a marvellous propaganda instrument…The only way to counteract war toy propaganda is for the consuer public to boycott any kind of violent toy–and encourage manufacturers to produce just as interesting toys who emphasis is not military.

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Globe and Mail, December 25, 1970.

A stylish seasonal ad from a fashionable Kingsway-area women’s clothier. Two weeks earlier, Lipton’s published a gift certificate order form in the Globe and Mail, positioning it as “great trim for any tree.”

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Toronto Life, December 1974.

While CHUM-FM offered a slender Santa for the holidays, its AM sibling distributed its usual CHUM Chart. Topping the Toronto hit list on December 21, 1974 was Carl Douglas’s “Kung Fu Fighting.”

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Toronto Sun, December 16, 1975.

Unfortunately for eager carolers, the Sun-sponsored musical celebration of the season was cancelled due to the first blizzard of the season. High winds coupled with around 20 centimetres of snow resulted in a record number of help calls to the Ontario Motor League (now CAA), severe TTC service delays and the cancellation of a Toronto Marlboros hockey game. The storm did not deter holiday shoppers, as Simpsons reported a minor decrease in the usual last Saturday before Christmas crowd at their Queen Street flagship.

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The City, December 3, 1978.

Simpsons felt a little punny during the 1978 holiday season. It was a time of change for the retailer–Hudson’s Bay Company had launched a bid to acquire the department store chain in November, while shoppers at its Queen Street flagship would have seen the south end of the Eaton Centre near completion.

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Toronto Life, December 1985.

Because this article needs a touch of 1980s Christmas style.

Vintage Toronto Ads: Find the Puck

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New Liberty, October 1948.

Can you help Maple Leafs Hall of Fame goalie Turk Broda find the puck before the Boston Bruins offense does?

Launched in 1932 as the Canadian edition of an American general interest publication known for providing readers with the estimated amount of time required to read each article, Liberty magazine was purchased by Jack Kent Cooke and Roy Thomson in 1946. Briefly renamed New Liberty, the publication adopted a sensationalist tone that increased its circulation (the cover story for the edition today’s ad appeared in promised to tell “the truth about margarine”). Thomson sold his share of the magazine in 1948 when it appeared profits were nowhere on the horizon, but Cooke persevered and managed to make a little money from Liberty during the 1950s as its focus shifted to chronicling showbiz personalities on both sides of the border. Cooke sold off “Canada’s young family magazine” in 1961 to new owners who let it limp along for three more years.

This game shot was likely taken during the 1947/48 hockey season, as the Leafs didn’t start the 1948/49 season until this issue was almost off the newsstands. Besides Broda, other Toronto players searching for the puck are Joe Klukay (number 17) and Bill Barilko (number 21; he switched to number 19 for the 1948/49 season, then to his eventually-retired number 5 before the 1950/51 season). It was a good era to be a Maple Leafs fan as, despite a losing record during the regular season, the 1948/49 squad became the first NHL team to win three consecutive Stanley Cups in a row.

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The answer, as shown in the December 1948 edition of New Liberty.

Vintage Toronto Ads: Ending Summer with Elmer

Originally published on Torontoist on September 21, 2010.

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The North Toronto Herald, August 23, 1963.

With summer’s end upon us, it’s time to take stock of the season gone by and see what lessons were learned, especially when it comes to personal safety. Can you find the seven flaws in this picture for Elmer the Safety Elephant? Unfortunately, we lack the official answers, but we invite you to make your best guesses!

Toronto Mayor Robert Hood Saunders was inspired by a child-safety program he observed in Detroit in 1946 and consulted with the Telegram to create a similar campaign here. Telegram editor Bas Mason and Toronto Police Department Inspector Vernon Page came up with the idea of using an elephant as a mascot due to the animal’s reputed powers of memory, and put out a worldwide call to fill the position. Elmer’s enthusiasm impressed the hiring committee and he assumed his role with great gusto in 1947. During his first year on the job, the number of traffic collisions in Toronto involving children dropped by 44%. For his second year on the job, Elmer was issued a cuter, more childlike costume designed by one-time Hollywood animator Charles Thorson that remained his standard outfit for decades.

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Motor Magazine, May 1948.

Elmer’s brother Junior was also in the safety mascot biz for awhile, though his work was more commercial-minded. In ads such as the one above for Maremont, Junior demonstrated the right and wrong way to hang the manufacturer’s parts and equipment in garages. After an injury during a 1954 photo shoot for a hood producer, Junior retired and became Elmer’s business manager. A third brother, Pinky, served as the model for the drawing found on boxes of Lucky Elephant popcorn.

Vintage Toronto Ads: Short Cuts 4

Ten Thousand Doctors Can’t Be Wrong

Originally published on Torontoist on January 12, 2010.

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Toronto Star, March 5, 1915.

Trusting the judgment of her faithful nurse, the morose, near-suicidal patient took the tipple of Wincarnis. And another. And another. She wasn’t sure if the promised “new life” ran through her veins, but at least she was temporarily distracted from the other pressures of this mortal coil.

Wincarnis derived its name from its mixture of wine and meat byproducts. It was a snappier branding than the one it bore when introduced in Great Britain in 1887: Liebig’s Extract of Meat and Malt Wine. The current manufacturer continues to tout the medicinal qualities of the herbs and vitamins mixed into Wincarnis, even if it is officially marketed as an aperitif instead of a cure-all. We’ve also read that it tastes great mixed with Guinness and milk.

Golden Girls Galore

Originally published on Torontoist on April 27, 2010.

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Toronto Sun, August 29, 1983.

Thirty years after this ad teased Toronto Sun readers, the phrase “golden girls” may not conjure up a night in a peeler joint, unless you’re a fan fiction writer willing to place the sitcom characters in such a setting (though given Betty White’s willingness to do anything lately, it might not be that great a stretch to imagine her in pasties and a g-string).

Besides overemphasizing the hair colour and lusty potential of the dancers, we wonder if club management had a soft spot for a classic Bob Dylan album. Would the non-blonde (unless the newsprint is lying) Viki Page have titillated her audience to the strains of “I Want You” or “Just Like a Woman”? Would the urging to get stoned in “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35” combined with the lack of accessories on the dancers have caused club clientele to drop all discretion?

Later nightclub incarnations at the same address include Uberhaus, Tila Tequila, and Moda Night Life.

A Cure for Oilcers

Originally published on Torontoist on June 1, 2010.

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New Liberty, March 1948.

Today’s ad is for readers who are puzzled whenever bags appear under the headlights of their vehicle that aren’t caused by scratches bestowed by other drivers exiting a tight parking space or provided by a bird in an artistic mood. Fret not: oilcers can be cured (however, that puddle of stomach battery acid on the ground might be a different story…).

For readers unable to decipher the good doctor’s prescription underneath the remedial box, our certified medical professional recommends that the patient should have “one complete set of Perfect Circle Custom Made Piston Rings—to be taken before the next meal. This to be followed by plenty of road work.”
Disclaimers: Only use Perfect Circle as recommended. Do not use if car develops fever, froths at the mouth, or responds to the name “Christine.”

Free to Go

Originally published on Torontoist on July 13, 2010.

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Maclean’s, March 2, 1987.

Yes, this businesswoman is free to go…into the afterlife, that is. The glowing lights and yellow arches welcome her to whatever awaits after she shuffles off this mortal coil (though it looks like it will resemble a 1980s ad designer’s dream). She should have taken it as a warning sign when the pressure of balancing so many communications gadgets sitting atop her head, day after day, caused her face to assume a grape juice–like complexion. Poor Robert will receive neither a reply about the breaking developments with the coffee supply contract, nor will he receive the page she was preparing when her brain caved in.

National Pagette was acquired by Shaw Communications in 1995. At the time, it was described as Canada’s largest provider of telephone answering services and sixth-largest paging company.